Are You Abused?

Are you abused? It seems like such a simple question, and yet it is one of the hardest ones for an abused woman to answer. First of all, these are not stupid women and finding yourself in a situation where your self esteem is so low that you would allow a man to totally control your life, even at the price of physical safety, can be rather daunting for these women. I know it was for me.

My abuser was my husband, as many are. It started slowly and simply at first. We got into an argument and he slapped me. His reason was that I was hysterical, when I said I was far from hysterical, he gave his apologies and life went on. Another argument and he called me stupid and told me I would never find anyone else. Being called names became so second nature that other family members took their cue from him. I was stuck on stupid if I didn't make dinner on a night when we were supposed to go out to dinner. I realized I was supposed to be a mind reader.

When I showed up at his mother's house with a bruise the answer was always the same. " If you would just learn to shut your mouth, he wouldn't hit you. "

I was abused in many ways not just physically. I was kept in my place with criticism and when the kids came along they became the biggest threat. If I tried to leave he would take the kids. I had no reason to doubt him because I knew he would not take them through legal channels.

I was not allowed to have anything that in the end led to me leaving him. For instance, I couldn't have keys to our car or a drivers license because then I could leave. We rarely had a phone in the house because then I could call for help and then I could leave. I couldn't have friends because they might help me leave. I couldn't have a job because if I had money I would find a way to leave.

People that have never been in that situation were always saying, " Why didn't she just leave?" I used to get so mad because they had no idea what it was like.

My salvation ended up being the neighbors on the other side of the wall he kept throwing me against. Sometimes they cared enough to call the police but a lot of times they just didn't want to get involved. I pressed charges and his mother would come for one of the kids knowing I wouldn't leave without them all. He would get out and it would be worse because I had him locked up.

The self loathing holds you back more than anything. If someone calls you stupid long enough, I don't care who you are, it starts to sink in. It takes a lot to get out of that circle of hatred but I had started to climb out of that hole of despair and make plans.

My oldest two were old enough and had seen enough to help prepare. They each packed a runaway bag and were very good at keeping them hid. They each had clothes for a couple of days, a new toothbrush, a hairbrush and one favorite toy. The diaper bag was always packed for my youngest. I couldn't pack anything of mine because he would notice.

One day he left for work and didn't come home. We had no food in the house and no milk for the baby. So the kids and I went door to door begging the neighbors for whatever they could spare. One neighbor bought us a gallon of milk and another made us a meatloaf. I rationed them out to the kids and I ate green beans. My husband finally showed up a week later. I was close to starvation and I started to complain because he took the kids VCR to sell so we could get some food and he had bought dope and left us hanging for a week. I committed a mortal sin when I called him a thief and he beat me up pretty good.

His grandparents arrived the next day and filled the place with food. His grandfather said to me that morning, " Sweetie, how much more are you going to take." It was then that I told him I was leaving when my husband left for work.

A little after eight the next morning my husband did just that. Grandpa got up and informed me that I should wait till he and grandma left for breakfast. When they left he kissed me on the cheek and told me he was sorry he had ever let me marry his grandson and wished us luck. The car pulled out of the driveway and the kids and I set to work.

Story will be continued in my next blog.